The Past Weeks

had been hell.

I spent more than 2 weeks worrying about a test, not daring to call the doctor to ask about my test results. As much as we both know what we want and what we would do, it was still nerve wrecking. I did some series of tests some time ago, and the results revealed that I was at risk for a down syndrome baby. We didn't give it much thought prior to that, as we (or at least I) assume that I would be alright. I was shocked when the doctor told me I was high risk and suggested that I do the more invasive but conclusive test. The test included a really LONG needle and there was a risk of a miscarriage. I didn't know what to feel then.

On top of that, there was the maid problem that my mum was having, that caused me some anxiety too. Friends were confiding me with their own problems. So altogether, very stressful weeks. Everything just came at the same time.

I didn't cry, strangely. Maybe the thought hadn't really set in. I did finally caved in and cried that night. The whole thing seemed too scary.

I kept telling myself that this test that we did has a high percentage of false positives. I am still young(ish) and that I will be alright. I reminded myself that it was the blood test that didn't turn out so ideal, that having a low PAPPA doesn't just mean a chromosomal defect. And the ultrascan was very fine.

With a few weeks to think things through, I had done some thinking. I was leaving it all to fate. If it was meant to be, then it shall be. It is wasn't, then it is too bad for us. I still need to go on living. Life doesn't just stop when bad things happen. I still have so much going for me. I have a great and loving husband and that is what I ever asked for in this life. I have a a great family, though a little dysfunctional at times. Hahaha, most families are aren't they?

There are people who try not to be too happy with their pregnancies, for fear that something bad would happen. Letting go then, will be a lot harder. I went celebrating once we found out. I was just 5 weeks. The whole pregnancy is just 40 weeks, I sure didn't want to shortchange my own happiness. However I do understand why some people chose to not allow themselves to connect with the baby first, it really is tough letting go after some kind of connection and bonding.

Now I can breathe easy again. And we are expecting a girl!