No, I am not preggers. I have been thinking about it lately. No neither am I trying to conceive too. The topic of motherhood and kids just seems to rear its head often these days when I am out with friends.
I am basically a pretty paranoid person, not only that, I doubt myself too much. I wonder if I will ever be a good mother. It scares me, the thought. The many things that I have to be mindful of, the many good qualities that I want to instill in my children. What to do when they fall sick? Kid-proofing the home. Discipline methods. Making sure that their meals are balanced. I have to be mindful about my own behaviour too. Will I be able to do all that?
I know I can do without the many late nights coffee sessions with friends. Lengthy dinners and movies dates. Socially, I am prepared to give up most of it. That does not mean to say that I will deprive myself any social time at all. Being the best for your child means you have to take care of yourself too right? I guess the toughest part would be dealing with the baby.
Most people say motherhood comes naturally, you will not be able to prepare enough for it. I think I will start a "Parents Today" subscription and buy all those parenting books. Will not be sufficient? Of course not lah! Parenting is not all textbooks. If so, babes will come with instruction manuals. That is what is scary. The things that you can't read up on, the things that will come unexpectedly and those things are not written anywhere in that parenting book that you bought. I am worried that I will get into post natal depression. My husband worry about that too, since I over worry and over analyse stuff. Being a person who does not have enough self belief can add to that too. NO matter how much reading I do, how much can I remember anyway? And when your baby's acting up or throwing some HUGE tantram, all those methods that I said and reminded myself that I would apply would somehow fly out of the window.
My mum seems to raise all 5 of us on her own with not much complaints or help from others. I am in awe seriously. I just hope that I can cope just as well, if not better, with my 2 (or3?) kids next time.
Monday 26 March 2007
Thursday 15 March 2007
Obsession
I have an obsession with lists. I have lists for everything. When I was young(er) I had lists for the books I want to buy, list of toys I want to get, friends' telephone numbers, addresses, birthdays, heck, I even have TOP TEN lists. Like top 10 fave songs, top ten fave poems, top ten fave persons... HAHAHAHAHHA
Now that I am all grown up, I have different kinds of lists. I have lists of things to do, things to buy, things I really want, lists of shoes, lists of IT bags, list of things that make me happy, list of things that i am grateful for. List of books to read, home projects to do, things to cook for dinner, grocery lists.. you get the drift.
i think I know where that stems from. I like to get my stuff organised, not that I am very successful at that anyway.... But anyhow, the need to get things organised gets me into making a lot of lists. So here is a list of lists that I currently have now
Now that I am all grown up, I have different kinds of lists. I have lists of things to do, things to buy, things I really want, lists of shoes, lists of IT bags, list of things that make me happy, list of things that i am grateful for. List of books to read, home projects to do, things to cook for dinner, grocery lists.. you get the drift.
i think I know where that stems from. I like to get my stuff organised, not that I am very successful at that anyway.... But anyhow, the need to get things organised gets me into making a lot of lists. So here is a list of lists that I currently have now
- list of things to do
- list of things to buy for the upcoming Cambodia trip
- list of things to pack for the upcoming Cambodia trip
- list of yummy eats in Siem Reap
- list of food to get for husband before upcoming Cambodia trip
- list of songs
- list of recipes
- list of little things that makes me happy
- list of food stalls I should visit.
- list of art pieces that i really love
- list of things to do around the house.
- lists of great B&B in NZ
- lists of books to read
- lists of guilty pleasures
- list of good things
- So how can my life be organised when it is peppered with so many lists you tell me? So complicated... I think I should have a list of things to simplify my life soon......
Pet Peeve
I have plenty of those because I am so anal. One that always gets my goat is when people try to act all smart in front of me, and then, try to make me look and feel stupid. Or when I raised some topic, and get it brushed aside with a "not interested" plainly because these twats do not know anything about the topic and are too proud to admit it (even when they are pretty interested in what I have to say.)
By the way, how did "getting my goat" came to mean getting agitated?
I don't mind if you go all smug and cocky and try to be smart about things, but please, when I ask you stuff, it does not mean that I do not know a single thing about it and please don't treat me like some kind of dodo! Keep your egos in check, please. You will only be embarrassing yourself really.
What got me writing this entry? Why, I encountered someone who exactly did that to me recently. I got so pissed, I got really sarcastic and went on blasting him without him realising that, and he soon became a form of entertainment to me. It is sad that this is the way that he is treating friends.
Of course, I am a fairly reasonable person. She will not just do that to anyone just like that. And of course, I am not stupid too (although he likes to think that she is), she knows when someone is joking and when someone is not. This has been going on forever and so far I have been really polite, trying as much as I can to be interested (or at least look the part) in his really boring life, steering him to other topics other than his own (I always get brushed aside when that happens), remain calm (amazingly) when he goes on and on and acting like he is smarter than I am.
It is no wonder that he is losing friends faster than he can talk about his mundane life.
I am wicked.
By the way, how did "getting my goat" came to mean getting agitated?
I don't mind if you go all smug and cocky and try to be smart about things, but please, when I ask you stuff, it does not mean that I do not know a single thing about it and please don't treat me like some kind of dodo! Keep your egos in check, please. You will only be embarrassing yourself really.
What got me writing this entry? Why, I encountered someone who exactly did that to me recently. I got so pissed, I got really sarcastic and went on blasting him without him realising that, and he soon became a form of entertainment to me. It is sad that this is the way that he is treating friends.
Of course, I am a fairly reasonable person. She will not just do that to anyone just like that. And of course, I am not stupid too (although he likes to think that she is), she knows when someone is joking and when someone is not. This has been going on forever and so far I have been really polite, trying as much as I can to be interested (or at least look the part) in his really boring life, steering him to other topics other than his own (I always get brushed aside when that happens), remain calm (amazingly) when he goes on and on and acting like he is smarter than I am.
It is no wonder that he is losing friends faster than he can talk about his mundane life.
I am wicked.
Wednesday 7 March 2007
I feel the Earth move
literally, under my feet. ( Really, is there another way of feeling the earth move)
By now, everyone knows about the 6.3 magnitude earthquake in Indonesia that stuck close to the city of Padang this morning. The last I heard, about 70 have lost their lives. There is so much talk about this one, not for the number on the scale, but because this time, apparently plenty of us felt it.
I felt it once, i remember it was close to noon, and I was on my bad, and suddenly the bed started to shake. I thought I was having a really bad bout of giddiness. But the keys to my drawers were swinging quite obviously. That was when i knew there was a quake somewhere. That was when I felt a a significant amount of sadness. Knowing that people are dying at that very moment (of no fault of theirs.) makes me sad.
It is the circle of life. I know that, I ain't running away from death. I mean, yes, death is something that I still find hard to cope with. I hate to face it, but that doesn't mean that I will go running away when it happens.
You just can't control feelings can you? I felt really down for awhile. Sometimes, when there is so much tragedy and misery around, the best one can do is be the best person they can to everyone else. I know it sounds like a cliche, and yes very naive sounding, but why contribute to all that? Why can't we be better people for others? It takes very little effort everyday. Remember your THANK YOUS and HELLOS. Most times, we forget about the people we meet everyday. The bus drivers, the stall helpers at the food court, the pantry aunties, the person cleans your neighbourhood, colleagues.
Just a few kind words, nothing too much. You never know how many people you can touch.
Yeah, I am such an idealist.
By now, everyone knows about the 6.3 magnitude earthquake in Indonesia that stuck close to the city of Padang this morning. The last I heard, about 70 have lost their lives. There is so much talk about this one, not for the number on the scale, but because this time, apparently plenty of us felt it.
I felt it once, i remember it was close to noon, and I was on my bad, and suddenly the bed started to shake. I thought I was having a really bad bout of giddiness. But the keys to my drawers were swinging quite obviously. That was when i knew there was a quake somewhere. That was when I felt a a significant amount of sadness. Knowing that people are dying at that very moment (of no fault of theirs.) makes me sad.
It is the circle of life. I know that, I ain't running away from death. I mean, yes, death is something that I still find hard to cope with. I hate to face it, but that doesn't mean that I will go running away when it happens.
You just can't control feelings can you? I felt really down for awhile. Sometimes, when there is so much tragedy and misery around, the best one can do is be the best person they can to everyone else. I know it sounds like a cliche, and yes very naive sounding, but why contribute to all that? Why can't we be better people for others? It takes very little effort everyday. Remember your THANK YOUS and HELLOS. Most times, we forget about the people we meet everyday. The bus drivers, the stall helpers at the food court, the pantry aunties, the person cleans your neighbourhood, colleagues.
Just a few kind words, nothing too much. You never know how many people you can touch.
Yeah, I am such an idealist.
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