Motherhood

No, I am not preggers. I have been thinking about it lately. No neither am I trying to conceive too. The topic of motherhood and kids just seems to rear its head often these days when I am out with friends.

I am basically a pretty paranoid person, not only that, I doubt myself too much. I wonder if I will ever be a good mother. It scares me, the thought. The many things that I have to be mindful of, the many good qualities that I want to instill in my children. What to do when they fall sick? Kid-proofing the home. Discipline methods. Making sure that their meals are balanced. I have to be mindful about my own behaviour too. Will I be able to do all that?

I know I can do without the many late nights coffee sessions with friends. Lengthy dinners and movies dates. Socially, I am prepared to give up most of it. That does not mean to say that I will deprive myself any social time at all. Being the best for your child means you have to take care of yourself too right? I guess the toughest part would be dealing with the baby.

Most people say motherhood comes naturally, you will not be able to prepare enough for it. I think I will start a "Parents Today" subscription and buy all those parenting books. Will not be sufficient? Of course not lah! Parenting is not all textbooks. If so, babes will come with instruction manuals. That is what is scary. The things that you can't read up on, the things that will come unexpectedly and those things are not written anywhere in that parenting book that you bought. I am worried that I will get into post natal depression. My husband worry about that too, since I over worry and over analyse stuff. Being a person who does not have enough self belief can add to that too. NO matter how much reading I do, how much can I remember anyway? And when your baby's acting up or throwing some HUGE tantram, all those methods that I said and reminded myself that I would apply would somehow fly out of the window.

My mum seems to raise all 5 of us on her own with not much complaints or help from others. I am in awe seriously. I just hope that I can cope just as well, if not better, with my 2 (or3?) kids next time.