Goodbye Grandma

It finally happened. I had been dreading for the day, yet in some way, I am relieved. My grandma has passed on. A week ago, more precisely, on the 7th July. The above photo is the only one of my grandma, my mum me and little V. I remember it was V's first Chinese New Year. I remember that I kept telling myself that I have to remember to take a photo of the 4 of us. I knew there wouldn't be too many opportunities to do so.

Grandma had been unwell for a while. Things took a turn for the worse beginning of the year, around Chinese New Year when the doctors diagnosed her with cancer and told us that she had 6 months left. I took that piece of news pretty well in the hospital. It did take a while for it to hit harder. I broke down in the car on the way home. Was I sad that she was leaving? Was I sad that she might be feeling much pain? Maybe I was guilty that I didn't spend enough time with her. I used to feel sad after visiting her at home. Seeing her so helpless and immobile pains me so much that I couldn't bring myself to visit her enough. When it comes to stuff like that, I can be so weak. I made it a point to visit her more often this year. In the hospital and at home. Sometimes I feel so sad I would cry, even when I try not to, especially next to her. I just couldn't help myself, seeing her suffering needlessly. Deaths affect the people around a lot more than the one waiting for it to come.

I bring V with me most of the times when I visit Grandma. I thought it is good for her to know her a little more before she is gone for good. V does tell me, in her baby way, that Great Grandma is in pain, and she will massage her. V was a little afraid in the beginning, maybe with all the tubes running through the nose and the hands. Eventually, she was good. She would tell me about her Great Grandma after every visit. She talks about Grandma still, about the funeral, the wake and how she is resting. It is very comforting to hear her talk about all those things now. I remember changing her diaper on Grandma's bed during the 5 day wake. She started talking about Zhou Zhou (great grandma). Talked about Zhou Zhou's bed, how she would massage her, how she is in pain and that she is sick. As much as it was comforting, I felt pain. The last time I cried was the time my mum called to tell me that Grandma had passed on. I was feeling fine until that moment.

It was unreal and still a little unreal to be at her funeral. Seeing the coffin, seeing the photo, seeing everyone else being there. The one thing that had been on my mind for a while had been that I wouldn't be allowed at the funeral or wake because I was preggers. I wasn't there on the first day and wasn't there on the last day when everyone else sent her off and she was cremated. I wasn't allowed to be part of the prayers, but at least I was there at the wake for the rest of it. It helped me coped better with my grief.

These days, I have been thinking about the days when I was young and living with Grandma. Those memories! A lot to laugh about, a lot to smile about. Grandma was a very witty woman with plenty of sharp retorts and sayings. She made excellent chocolate cakes. I remember her curling her hair every night. I used to play with those plastic curls a lot. I miss her cooking. I miss sitting down with her every night talking. She used to get us ready for school in the mornings. We need to remember all those happier times and not the not so pleasant ones. For the last time, goodbye Grandma, thank you for the good memories.