Goodbye Grandma

It finally happened. I had been dreading for the day, yet in some way, I am relieved. My grandma has passed on. A week ago, more precisely, on the 7th July. The above photo is the only one of my grandma, my mum me and little V. I remember it was V's first Chinese New Year. I remember that I kept telling myself that I have to remember to take a photo of the 4 of us. I knew there wouldn't be too many opportunities to do so.

Grandma had been unwell for a while. Things took a turn for the worse beginning of the year, around Chinese New Year when the doctors diagnosed her with cancer and told us that she had 6 months left. I took that piece of news pretty well in the hospital. It did take a while for it to hit harder. I broke down in the car on the way home. Was I sad that she was leaving? Was I sad that she might be feeling much pain? Maybe I was guilty that I didn't spend enough time with her. I used to feel sad after visiting her at home. Seeing her so helpless and immobile pains me so much that I couldn't bring myself to visit her enough. When it comes to stuff like that, I can be so weak. I made it a point to visit her more often this year. In the hospital and at home. Sometimes I feel so sad I would cry, even when I try not to, especially next to her. I just couldn't help myself, seeing her suffering needlessly. Deaths affect the people around a lot more than the one waiting for it to come.

I bring V with me most of the times when I visit Grandma. I thought it is good for her to know her a little more before she is gone for good. V does tell me, in her baby way, that Great Grandma is in pain, and she will massage her. V was a little afraid in the beginning, maybe with all the tubes running through the nose and the hands. Eventually, she was good. She would tell me about her Great Grandma after every visit. She talks about Grandma still, about the funeral, the wake and how she is resting. It is very comforting to hear her talk about all those things now. I remember changing her diaper on Grandma's bed during the 5 day wake. She started talking about Zhou Zhou (great grandma). Talked about Zhou Zhou's bed, how she would massage her, how she is in pain and that she is sick. As much as it was comforting, I felt pain. The last time I cried was the time my mum called to tell me that Grandma had passed on. I was feeling fine until that moment.

It was unreal and still a little unreal to be at her funeral. Seeing the coffin, seeing the photo, seeing everyone else being there. The one thing that had been on my mind for a while had been that I wouldn't be allowed at the funeral or wake because I was preggers. I wasn't there on the first day and wasn't there on the last day when everyone else sent her off and she was cremated. I wasn't allowed to be part of the prayers, but at least I was there at the wake for the rest of it. It helped me coped better with my grief.

These days, I have been thinking about the days when I was young and living with Grandma. Those memories! A lot to laugh about, a lot to smile about. Grandma was a very witty woman with plenty of sharp retorts and sayings. She made excellent chocolate cakes. I remember her curling her hair every night. I used to play with those plastic curls a lot. I miss her cooking. I miss sitting down with her every night talking. She used to get us ready for school in the mornings. We need to remember all those happier times and not the not so pleasant ones. For the last time, goodbye Grandma, thank you for the good memories.

Schooling

Some people have been asking me when am I going to place V in a school. Er, isn't she a little too young?

Apparently not in Singapore. Parents seem to start them young here. There are enrichment classes catered to children as young as 6 months old. Seriously????? Music lessons when they are 6 months old? Can you just switch on some music and dance along with your baby at home instead? Right brain training where they flash flashcards after flashcards? That doesn't sound too fun to me. Language classes, Math classes and classes that seem to promise to produce gifted children. Really lah, gifted is gifted, how to produce one! I know of parents who rush their kids from one lesson to another, and end up having lunch in the car on a weekend. Come on! Weekends are precious family time! Can't we just do nothing and have a nice leisurely brunch at a table as a family, bonding and talking?

Maybe we are too laid back and nonchalant. Maybe we ought to be doing more for our child. We did sign up for a baby gym class for her when she was about 9 months old. We wanted her to socialise with kids who are of her age. That didn't work out too well, because she was busy doing her own stuff and wasn't really doing much of the class activities, so we ended it after a term. That was it, we didn't sign her up for anything else.

We like her to learn through play, in a less structured environment where she can explore more on her own. She doesn't know her alphabets, shapes, colours and numbers yet? Good heavens! We are such lazy parents! But really, what is the point of her knowing those things now? If she is ready, she will pick those things up at her own pace.

We point out things to her when we go out, looking at the fruits and vegetables and naming them in supermarkets. Stepping on dried leaves on the pavements, picking up fallen flowers, twigs and leaves if she feels like it, looking at trees, plucking bougainvilleas. Watching the world go by on a busy road, people watch in a cafe. Learning to be quiet in a library, visiting museums, go shoe shopping and picking out shoes for me. Visiting my grandma who is in pretty bad shape now. Helping me with the house chores, throwing her diaper in the bin, putting her worn clothes in the laundry basket. Helping me fix dinners. Learning to undress and dress herself. When we read, she would now look at the words. I will point out letters and numbers to her. If she remembers great, if she doesn't it doesn't matter too. There isn't a need for anything more structured than that. We do crafts at home, which she enjoys now. Messing with the glue, colouring and showing off her work to papa when he gets back from work.

Kids should be kids! They are so young once, let them to carefree and play. That is the only time that they will ever be able to be just that. There is more to life than being strong academically.

New Bun in the Oven!

I am almost 7 months pregnant already!

And that is why there hasn't been many entries recently.

I am so tired. Being preggers with a active toddler who demands a lot of your attention is energy sapping. I have not much energy left after she goes to bed. It is a miracle that I can still try to keep the home in some kind of order. So... we have decided to hire a live-in domestic helper. I really do not see how I can cope with a newborn and a toddler and still juggle the housework. I have given this issue much thought, thinking about it and considering other options too. I really would love for someone to take the load of the chores off my back for the next 2 years. The next 2 years, I just want to concentrate on my family. To be there for them, to have fun with them, to teach them about everything, take them out for fun trips, do fun things together, laughing, basically just be there for every milestone. I don't want to be tired half the time when I am with them. I want to be well rested and ready for them. A tired parent isn't exactly the most fun person to be around you know.....

The new bun is another girl. So we do save tonnes on clothes! Plus, she can play with the same toys, most of them are barely touched, since the first one didn't take much interest in them. We would be using the old cot, which is also pretty new since the first one had since moved to a mattress. We only need to maybe a new bath tub and some newborn diapers and we are ready to go! Oh, I do intend to get the sleepy wrap! I really hope that is the last baby carrier that I am going to buy.

This pregnancy was thankfully as comfortable as the first one. Sure I do get feet cramps, and some back ache now, but no morning sickness, no reflux, no heartburn, nothing so bad that I cannot deal with. The hormones are a little out of whack at the moment, but I am sure that I will bounce back soon, I do get insomnia like the last time. Unfortunately, I can't sleep in like I could with the first. When the first one is up, I had to be up! I do nap with her, so no biggie.

I seem to be less paranoid this time round. Is it a case of been there done that? Or that I am too busy with such an active toddler that I have no time to think and be paranoid?